Help! I've been "staffed"!

A few people have written about the "staff mentality" and how it's all about power. Amanda has done an incredible job all by herself; you can read her posts on the topic by clicking her name at the beginning of this sentence.

Well, on Monday, I got "staffed."

And I didn't like it one bit.

Here's the story:

Monday, being the third Monday of the month, was our Autism/Asperger's Meetup Group. Can you believe, this group has been in existence for five years? DJ (the coordinator of the group, who was diagnosed with autism at the age of two and a half) and I were rather shocked to realise this.

Anyway, my boyfriend and I met at the restaurant for the group, as we always do. It was a smallish group this month; just DJ, T, and myself and my SO (plus T's mother and another gentleman I don't know, sitting across the room from us).

A new woman arrived. We greeted her. She told us her name (we'll call her L), and explained that she was staff from the employment organization (I forget the name) that another member was staff at. This other member is great and has always treated everyone at the group as an equal; she's there to help, and she really does want to get to know everyone as people - which is good, since only a few of our members are clients of the organization she works for.

L proceeded to ask DJ what the structure of the group was. DJ explained that we don't have a structure; we come, we eat, we chat, we go home. It's really just a social time, when we can be ourselves without fear of recrimination or strange looks or anything like that.

There was a bit of a pause in the evening as R arrived with his father; R sat across from DJ, and his dad went to sit with T's mom.

And then L sat down at the next table and proceeded to introduce herself to us again, following which she "suggested" that we tell her our names. In that voice parents use when their children have forgotten their manners.

After we'd all obediently told her who we were, DJ introduced L to the parental units. T's mother invited her to come sit with them. And she responded, "Oh, I thought I'd stay and see what they're going to talk about."

Now, until L arrived, we'd been having a lively conversation about animals and their behaviours. Mostly cats and dogs. After she said that, I didn't much want to talk about anything. She was intruding and treating us like we were ten years old, and every one of us was over eighteen.

Thankfully, L did end up sitting with the parents. And our little group of five ACs proceeded to have a great discussion about everything from video games to religion to food.

After the others had left, DJ and I (and my boyfriend) talked about how it had felt to be "staffed" like that. DJ was (understandably) offended that L seemed to be trying to take over the group. My boyfriend was annoyed with the way she had spoken to and about us. And I... am still processing things.

Because I wonder:

• would she have behaved the way she did if she'd known that I have an ADHD diagnosis, not AS or ASD?
• was I offended because "I shouldn't be treated like that because I'm not autistic" or because nobody should be treated like that?
• have I ever treated anyone like that without realising it?

I don't question my motives in attending the group at all. I started going because I was already friends with DJ and had been working with children for several years; I wanted to get to know some autistic adults in 3D (as opposed to online). I kept going because I got to know several of the regulars quite well, and because I felt accepted as just myself. And I keep going because I have a lot of friends in the regulars (plus, I met my boyfriend there).

The good part is that today, when I was working with LM, I was much more aware of how I spoke to her. She's fourteen and has an autism diagnosis as well as something seizure-like and I think something else that impacts her cognition (I've never actually asked what her full diagnoses are). I try to always respect her and treat her as I would any other fourteen year old, but there are some things that she definitely isn't able to do at a fourteen year old level. So the question I was asking myself today was, "Am I really treating LM as she deserves to be treated, simply by virtue of the fact that she is a human being?" I think the answer is yes, but I'll continue to ask myself that question every week when I go over to her house.

Back to the story.

The next day, at work, I ate with the CEO of the organization (I changed jobs and have been working for the Alberta Council of Disability Services (ACDS) since the end of August), and I told her about my experience. She was appropriately aghast. We also talked about a few other things, but that is more a topic for another post, after I double-check about confidentiality and conflict of interest and the like.

Anyway, I think that next month, if L shows up again, I'll take a moment to talk to her about her attitude. And perhaps I'll share Phil Schwartz' article from autistics.org - "Identifying, Educating, and Empowering Allies." (All with DJ's go-ahead, of course!)

Someone needs to speak up, and I'll do it if nobody else can.

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